You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize