is your mom at the bar?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
