I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think your dad took our porno
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.