Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.