i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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