I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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