Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
