i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My breasts were aching with rage.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
