I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
