but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
