1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
