i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
