I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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