I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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