She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
