the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
