Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
