dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
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thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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