If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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