Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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