apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
