Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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