i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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