I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
