My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
