I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
