i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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