fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
