Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
