I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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