I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
