saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
