The maid of honor just puked.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
