well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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