There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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