The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
