someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
