im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
