checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
