Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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