I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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