Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
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Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
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Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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