I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
