a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
