I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
