i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
