I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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