You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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