My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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