May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
