my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My vagina just recognized that song.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
