You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
