I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
