She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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