So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
