Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.