Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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