I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
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The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
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Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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