i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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