Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
